This Side Up

Ask your phone to find the grapefruit

John Howell
Posted 12/16/14

I still don’t have the grapefruit. That could be the last line to this story, but really this story is not about grapefruit but Smartphones.

First, a word about the grapefruit: For years, the …

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This Side Up

Ask your phone to find the grapefruit

Posted

I still don’t have the grapefruit. That could be the last line to this story, but really this story is not about grapefruit but Smartphones.

First, a word about the grapefruit: For years, the Rotary Club of East Greenwich has conducted a citrus sale this time of year to raise funds for charity. It’s a good cause, and it’s always good oranges and grapefruit.

So, when I got a call from a club member several weeks ago, I signed up for a carton of grapefruit. I was told I could pick up my order on Saturday from Greene Industries on Rocky Hollow Road. Then, on Friday, I received an email reminder along with my order number, 2843. Could they have 2,843 orders? In which case, I imagined a steady stream of vehicles that would be easy enough to follow. I made a mental note of the number and that I could stop in until 2 p.m.

Unfortunately, I assumed that Siri, the officious know-it-all on my cell phone, knew how to get me there. Of course, one doesn’t see Siri when you hold down the on button on your iPhone and a wavy line crawls across the bottom of the screen, a genie released from cyberspace awaiting your command. I’ve found Siri especially helpful while driving. I can dictate the number or tell her to call whoever is stored in the phone’s memory. She’s on target 90 percent of the time, only stumbling on names that aren’t pronounced the way they are spelled.

What would Siri look like if there were a Siri?

My guess is that she’s about 5-foot-7, black hair tied into a tight bun with little makeup, except for a light color on a set of thin, straight lips. She’s wearing a gray suit, a white blouse and no jewelry. There would be nothing alluring about her, but that’s not her role. Her job is to help you efficiently and without judgment. At least, that’s what I thought.

I had my foray planned. I’d be in Apponaug about 1 p.m., which would give me time to retrieve the grapefruit and make a connection at 1:45 near Green Airport. All I had to do was to get directions from Siri.

She’d helped me before. Finding Rocky Hollow Road didn’t seem like too much of a challenge.

“Find Rocky Hollow Road, East Greenwich,” I said to my phone after Siri gave me the bell tone prompt.

“Here’s the contact for rocky contacts,” she replied.

I looked at my phone and there were several names of people I didn’t know. Then up popped a map with a red stickpin and the information: “Rocky Pt. contacts.”

I pushed the button again, and then carefully enunciated every word, in a somewhat condescending tone, I suppose.

“Sorry, I didn’t get that,” Siri answered. Oh, she didn’t like that.

I tried another approach. I pushed the button and said, “Find Greene Industries.”

The phone gave a couple of beeps and Siri was back on.

“OK, here’s a place matching Greene Industries. It’s pretty far from you.”

I pulled off the road and looked at the screen. Again there was a stickpin not far from a group of intersecting roads. I didn’t have a clue where they were but, in small print, I was informed I had 64 miles to travel. I couldn’t imagine anything being that far away in Rhode Island.

Then I tried, “Find Greene Industries on Rocky Hollow Road.”

“Here’s a place matching Green Industries. It’s pretty far from Rocky Hollow Road, East Greenwich,” she replied.

The map showed another stickpin and gave me the information I was 61 miles away. I hadn’t moved an inch, so I figured I was making progress. But more importantly, Siri had shown she knew Rocky Hollow Road was in East Greenwich.

I glanced at the time. It was getting tight.

I pulled to the side of the road again, on Division Street. I opened the glove compartment and found a map, but unfortunately it was of Warwick only.

I spotted a man walking toward me. I got out of the car and asked if he had heard of Greene Industries on Rocky Hollow Road. He confessed he hadn’t. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

“She’ll know where it is,” he said.

I waited for him to talk to Siri, but instead he typed out Greene Industries. Maybe that was my mistake; I had been a bit overbearing, Siri could tell I was losing my patience.

We watched the screen on his phone. Up popped a map of Green Airport. We both laughed. Laughing was a mistake. Siri would be mad.

The man tried again. This time we got a map showing Rocky Hill School.

He tried a third time. Another map appeared, showing a section of Greenwich Cove.

Yes, Siri had had enough of us.

By now I had run out of time. I would abandon the search, but in desperation and in a pleading tone I asked, “Find my grapefruit.”

Siri was actually quite pleasant.

“Looking for restaurants whose reviews mentions grapefruit,” she replied.

I waited a moment and then she informed me she had a list of restaurants near me. I didn’t bother reading it; I was sure they all were at least 60 miles away.

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  • mthompsondc

    Pleasingly tart tale, John...

    Saturday, December 20, 2014 Report this