Woman forms group to help other alienated grandparents

Tim Forsberg
Posted 6/25/15

Betty (not her real name) misses her grandchild so much, it hurts. She knows other grandparents are going through similar situations, and she wants them to know they are not alone.  

Several …

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Woman forms group to help other alienated grandparents

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Betty (not her real name) misses her grandchild so much, it hurts. She knows other grandparents are going through similar situations, and she wants them to know they are not alone.  

Several weeks ago, Betty visited the Beacon office looking for help. She had a small handwritten note, an announcement she wanted placed in the Bulletin Board section of the paper. It was for upcoming Alienated Grandparents Anonymous (AGA) meetings she was hosting at the Warwick Public Library.

Betty wants her meetings to focus on the struggle grandparents have in being part of their grandchildren’s lives. She plans to offer support, non-judgmental understanding, and an outlet to allow others to share their experiences of alienation in a group setting where they can learn ways to cope and understand the complex issue.

“The first meeting there were just three of us, the second meeting there were seven, and three other people contacted me after the meeting,” said Betty.

She said it was the first gathering of its kind in the state.

Betty’s tale and her journey to help others follows a rabbit hole of estranged families and love lost. Retired after a lifelong career in education, the 60-something Warwick resident has four adult children and four grandchildren. Several years ago, her relationship with her daughter soured. 

“The grandchild that I am alienated from, we had a very close relationship with. Dana [not the child’s real name] lived with us, with [their] mother, for two years. Then she found an apartment and Dana continued to live with us during the school week, because her work schedule was such that it was easier for everybody to just keep Dana for the school week and then go back with mom for the weekend,” said Betty. “A situation happened where Dana told me something that was very disturbing, and when I said, ‘We need to tell Mommy,’ Dana said, ‘I tried to tell Mommy and she wouldn’t listen.’”

“After talking with different people and especially my husband, I decided the matter was serious enough that I had to contact the authorities. They followed through, and after that my daughter told me I could never see my grandchild again,” she explained.

Betty tried to speak with her daughter, but lines of communication were broken and months passed. Desperate to see her grandchild, she sought legal advice.

“There is a grandparent visitation law that states that if you’ve tried for 30 days to have contact with your grandchild and you haven’t, you can file for visitation with the courts,” said Betty. “So before we did that we got a lawyer and said we didn’t want to go to court we just wanted to set up visitation. When my daughter found out about that, things really took a turn for the worse, and we ended up going to court anyway.”

Rhode Island does provide some protections for grandparents in Betty’s situation. According to the law, upon petition of a grandparent for visitation rights with the grandchild and notice given to parents of the child, family court may grant reasonable rights of visitation of the grandchild to the petitioner. The best interests of the child and the overall fitness of the grandparents are factors considered in making a determination.

“The judge did grant me time, once a month to see Dana,” said Betty. “But the visits were only for two hours and they were in insane places, places where we couldn’t really talk. Meanwhile, Dana was isolated from the entire extended family, my daughter did not contact any other family members so my grandchild has been totally isolated from everyone.”

Betty’s court battle took roughly two years and cost several thousand dollars. Visitation conditions also allowed for a phone call once a week, but there have been months when she hasn’t had a visit, or visits are cut short. She’s gone several weeks without a phone call.

Though common, grandparent alienation is rarely talked about and the problem has no social boundaries. Frustrated and looking for help, Betty sought professional counseling.

“My grandchild, I constantly worry about. I know Dana misses me and my husband and the rest of the family,” said Betty. “I’ve tried to reach out to my daughter and suggested different things we could do to try to work it out, and she’s always refused. So at this point, I really feel that Dana is being emotionally abused.”

There are many signs of alienation, the most common being avoiding socialization, suppression of expression, blame, denial, behavior control, and lying, amongst others. Alienated children can experience fear, anxiety, depression, helplessness, confusion, guilt and isolation.

“It’s not only the child that’s emotionally abused, but there’s also elder abuse involved,” explained Betty. “It’s almost worse than a grandchild dying because, as awful as it sounds, at least there’s closure there. When you’ve been alienated from your child and grandchild and don’t know if they’re OK and don’t know if they’re being loved and nurtured, it’s terrible.”

Studies show that with multigenerational relationships between grandparents and grandchildren, the child grows up much healthier socially, physically, and intellectually. Grandparents serve as role models, mentors, teachers and providers.

Betty eventually turned to the Internet looking for an outlet that could help. It was there that she found Alienated Grandparents Anonymous Incorporated. An established 501c3 organization, AGA Inc. provides support and information to those estranged, and serves 47 other states and 12 countries.

“It’s anonymous because grandparents feel embarrassed,” said Betty, adding the meetings aim to connect people with similar experiences to each other. “Only a person who is going through the same situation can really understand them and sympathize with them.”

The group’s meetings offer strategies on rebuilding and healing relationships, along with coping mechanisms to help manage emotional pain. They will be led by Betty or another participating consultant. Betty has reached out to professional mental health advocates, and special guest speakers will be invited to present their expertise. Introductions in the meetings are first name only. She hopes grandparents sharing stories will help heal old wounds.

“I love being a grandmother, and to have that taken away is sad, but it’s really sad for the grandchild,” said Betty. “We must be the voice of our grandchildren. Do not give up on your grandchildren, they would not want you to give up on them.”

AMA’s next meeting will be June 29 at 7 p.m. at the Warwick Public Library, 600 Sandy Lane. For more information, call 738-8441 or write AGA-RI@cox.net. Additional information on grandparent alienation may be found at www.aga-fl.org.

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